My life has never been cut and dry. I always felt like I was doing things out of order; I came to this conclusion when I turned 40 and realized that I always felt out of place. I finally came to terms with the fact that something had happened to me and that it wasn't right. As a child, a safe space didn't exist. The fear of coming home was huge. No child should feel that way.
When I became a mother, it was vital for me to have a safe home for my kids; I never wanted my kids to dread coming home. Home is supposed to be safe. I needed to work on myself first, something I never did because I thought it was selfish as a parent to do so. Accepting what happened to me was a long process. I began Therapy and CrossFit, which became the tools to help me do that. Lifting weights showed me that I am capable, and therapy gave me the tools to identify that the words told to me as a child were wrong. At 45 and now 46 again, I began coming to terms with the past, putting words to what happened to me. For the first time, I knew I was not at fault; the assault that happened was not my fault.
Saying that it was not my fault felt freeing! On my bad days, lifting weights offered a different type of therapy. My body that gave birth twice, my body that once was violated and made to feel unsafe, MY body! MINE! I got control back of my body; it no longer felt foreign. I am ok. I am no longer fearful and still working on accepting the person I see in the mirror. I am proud of my boys; they know they can come to me for anything. Coming to terms with my past assault has empowered me; no more do I need others' approval. I do not need to people please; I can stand firm and speak up for myself. I am not my assault; my perpetrator will never have power over me. Without a doubt, I am a survivor, and while I still have much work to do, I know I am enough.