Erika, 46

Coming to Terms

At 45 and now 46 again, I began coming to terms with the past, putting words to what happened to me.

June 26, 2023

My life has never been cut and dry. I always felt like I was doing things out of order; I came to this conclusion when I turned 40 and realized that I always felt out of place. I finally came to terms with the fact that something had happened to me and that it wasn't right. As a child, a safe space didn't exist. The fear of coming home was huge. No child should feel that way. 

When I became a mother, it was vital for me to have a safe home for my kids; I never wanted my kids to dread coming home. Home is supposed to be safe. I needed to work on myself first, something I never did because I thought it was selfish as a parent to do so. Accepting what happened to me was a long process. I began Therapy and CrossFit, which became the tools to help me do that. Lifting weights showed me that I am capable, and therapy gave me the tools to identify that the words told to me as a child were wrong. At 45 and now 46 again, I began coming to terms with the past, putting words to what happened to me. For the first time, I knew I was not at fault; the assault that happened was not my fault.

Saying that it was not my fault felt freeing! On my bad days, lifting weights offered a different type of therapy. My body that gave birth twice, my body that once was violated and made to feel unsafe, MY body! MINE! I got control back of my body; it no longer felt foreign. I am ok. I am no longer fearful and still working on accepting the person I see in the mirror. I am proud of my boys; they know they can come to me for anything. Coming to terms with my past assault has empowered me; no more do I need others' approval. I do not need to people please; I can stand firm and speak up for myself. I am not my assault; my perpetrator will never have power over me. Without a doubt, I am a survivor, and while I still have much work to do, I know I am enough.

Have a story you'd like to share? Submit your story.

Related Stories

We’d love to share your story and perspective on this stage of life. Submit your writing to be featured on the site.